Today is Christmas day and I feel lonely so I am connecting with as many people as I can by writing to them. Some of them don’t have email so they won’t receive what I have written for a few weeks, but even as I sit and write to them I feel myself connecting with them.
It has been a difficult month as I have been ill with dysentery. It was so dark and wet and with no current (no sun so little or no electricity) and feeling very unloved – it was a very difficult time. Since the beginning of the year I have taken on new roles in the Farmgroup related to the wider community – sitting on different groups and that sort of thing – and some of that has been very challenging. I’m not much good at that sort of stuff and much prefer to work and grow Buddha Garden and do my own writing and painting. I also think I have not been looking after myself properly and have gradually got rather down physically as well as being rather depressed.
Its difficult to know what to do. Should I say ‘no’ to this work? Or is there something for me to learn here? I seem to get ‘messages’ that despite the difficulties I should carry on, but I was shocked at how ill I was and it seems to be taking some time to build myself up again. My insides still feel very sensitive and tender. One thing I did decide was that I needed some sort of practice that would keep me in touch with myself and with God/Divine/Universe. It is not enough just to keep work, work, working although of course for me that can be very creative and a source of growth.
So I have started doing a yoga practice before I go to work in the morning (at 6.15am). My yoga teacher said I should do it at that time and I was very resistant. I thought it would add yet another lot of stress in having to get up early, but I seem to have taken to it really easily. I wake up early with no problems and the regular asanas and meditation seem to be doing me a lot of good. Only this last week I have watched how things have shifted almost effortlessly as I get rid of work that was weighing me down and decided that I wouldn’t engage in some of the stuff that was going on in the Farmgroup.
So maybe I will find a way to do this work that is creative for me and doesn’t jeopardise my health. I have given myself three months and if after that time things still don’t feel right then I will have to look anew at what I am doing. It helps that every morning I do something with the earth that anchors me, whether it is weeding or clearing a bed or mulching or planting for the new season that has come upon us.